I was recently talking to one of my professors about my father situation and it inspired me to talk about it because I know I'm not the only person who's been through it and I won't be the last. So here it is:
Growing up I always knew there were differences between my siblings and I. I'm extroverted. They're introverted. I'm always on the go or doing something. They like to stay at home and hang out. I'm tall and thin. They're shorter and don't disappear whenever they turn to the side. (Except my brother, he's pretty tall.) But I always thought it was because our genes just played out in different ways.
Whenever I was 17, my grandma dropped a bomb on me that I actually had a different biological dad than they did. Their dad had legally adopted me whenever I was 4, but had been a part of my life since before I was even a year old. (I'm also the oldest, so they never knew any better either.) So he was the only dad I had ever known. He still is the only dad I know.
But, it all rocked my world. (As I imagine it would to any teenage girl dealing with the awful stage of life that I was already in.) I lost the sense of who I was. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone around me. I mean my own family had kept something so big from me for so long, and all my life I had been taught that if you can't trust your own family, who can you trust?
I started to spiral out of control. (Keep in mind I had a lot of other junk going down in my life at the same time that I'll save for another post.) I looked for affirmation from males. I sought happiness in drunkenness. I developed anxiety. I had gone from the girl who was confident, smart, and had everything together to the girl who didn't even recognize herself whenever she looked in the mirror no matter how hard I looked.
Because my dad and I had our ups and downs while I was growing up (let's be honest I wasn't the easiest teenager and he has his faults as well), I started to try to make a connection with my biological dad. It's been impossible. He is a ranch hand. He doesn't like to be in cities. He ropes on the weekends for fun. He goes to chicken fights for entertainment. He sounds like Larry the Cable Guy. All things that I can't relate to in any way. I still talk to him occasionally, but let's be real, we're basically strangers.
The news all took a real hit on my relationship with my parents and my siblings. I was extremely bitter with my parents. We fought constantly. I felt like there was such a wall between us that I couldn't talk to them about anything. They wouldn't let me talk to my siblings about what was going on. My siblings just thought I was being a brat about moving because around the same time we moved from Texas to Oklahoma. None of them understood what I was processing through or experiencing. And they were my only communication outlets because they were the only people I knew near me.
Not having people to talk to really took a toll on me. Extroverts get their energy from interacting with other people and I was just sitting in my room alone trying to avoid my family. Which spurred on my anxiety. I was left alone with my thoughts. My confusion on what was going on. The pull from all sides to just "hear them out". Why they chose to keep it from me. Why they were hurt by the situation. And worst, why they were never there in the first place.
But, a little over five years later my relationship with my parents and my siblings is stronger than it ever has been. Through a lot of personal reflection, I've been able to forgive everyone in the situation and I've been able to see their side a little more clearly. We now sit around during the holidays laughing until we're crying about all of the things we did as kids. We go shopping together. We just hang out on the couch at my parents' house and talk. And I'm convinced that our relationship wouldn't be what it is now if it wouldn't have been through such a trial.
No comments:
Post a Comment